How to Get and Keep a Good Man
by Terrell Prude', Jr.
August 18, 2007
Last Updated May 9, 2015
Table of contents:
- My assumptions about you
- Why should you trust me?
- Just what kind of man are you looking for?
- So, what defines a "good man?"
- Does that include the "playboy"?
- Just what do Good Men want?
- How To Get Him
- Good Example #1
- Good Example #2
- Bad Example #1
- Bad Example #2
So what should you do?
- And what should you not do?
- "Hold on! How come I have to do all this work? Isn't that his job?"
- After You Get Him
- The "F" word is actually a very noble thing!
- What about love? Just what is it?
- So how do you know when love is happening?
- Does the Golden Rule Apply to Him, Too?
- Insist on the Golden Rule at the very beginning, but do it right
- And for those in an existing relationship?
- Final Thoughts
Getting together...men and women....
Entire libraries could, and probably are, filled with information on
the subject. I know that bookstores are! There are plenty
of books with women telling the men what they "need to do" in order to get a
woman's attention. There are also plenty of books--some by women,
some by men--instructing women on how to get men to pursue them.
I believe that's at best an incomplete, and at worst, wrong,
approach. I refer to the over 50% divorce rate in this country as
anecdotal evidence. We should not have such an insane statistic
in The Greatest Nation on Earth.
What's the incompleteness, the "missing piece?" I've discovered that it's this: what has not been properly
addressed is what a woman "needs to do" to get and keep a man who's
actually a good one. That's the point of this essay--to address
just that. Interestingly, this is also how a man can tell when a
woman is actually a "good one" as well!
My assumptions about you
I must, out of necessity, make some assumptions about you. For
the purposes of this article, I assume that you are a heterosexual,
single woman who doesn't have a partner and would like one.
Furthermore, I assume that you would like one who would add to your
life. In short, you want a good man to have, hold, and share life
I also assume that you have been poisoned to some degree by at least
some of the crap that's out there posing as useful information.
I'm referring to "ragazines" like Cosmopolitan, books like The Rules, daytime talk shows, so-called "dating coaches" including some of their online articles, and other similar sources of flaptrap.
Ladies, take it from a man: those "sources" are most often dead
Why should you trust me?
You shouldn't. You've likely never met me. Rather, read the
information and see if it makes sense to you. Then, as the Oracle
in "The Matrix" trilogy put it so eloquently: make up your own
damn mind whether to accept what I'm about to tell you, or not.
I will tell you why I cared
enough to bother writing this article for you to read, when I could
easily be doing something else. I currently work in a school
system. Before then, I worked in the private sector for nearly my
entire career. I see this ridiculous, stupid War Between the
Sexes, and I'm tired of it! I'm definitely tired of watching it
get perpetuated onto the younger generation yet still in school.
I see it in high schools. I see it in junior high (middle)
schools. I see it in corporate America. It is definitely
not helping our society.
I believe that the aforementioned "missing piece" is a major factor in
this perpetuated--and utterly stupid--war. Ladies, you shouldn't
be alone in your apartment, dorm room, or house if you don't want to
be. You don't have to be. You can be in a long-term,
rewarding relationship with a good man.
If you're interested in making that happen, I am going to tell you how.
Just what kind of man are you looking for?
Ladies, it is very important for you to be honest with yourselves about
what kind of man you're looking for. There are plenty of types
out there, and just like there are female jerks, there are also male
jerks. Some of you honestly are attracted to the "dangerous bad
boy" type because you like the excitement and that "danger". If
so, then that's a perfectly valid choice, but this article won't be of
assistance to you. Nor will this article be of assistance to you
if you prefer someone that beats you up. While they're far from
the majority, that type, too, does unfortunately exist.
I'm talking about something different here. When I refer to a
"good man," I don't mean a jerk. Rather, I mean that kind of man
that would be "good husband material." I mean someone who would
treat you like a master violinist would treat a Stradivarius
violin--with honor, respect, and maybe at times even a bit of awe.
So, what defines a "good man?"
That depends on your personal definition. As a man myself, I
would say that a "good man" is one who acts basically in accordance
with the Boy Scout Law. For those, like me, who have been Boy
Scouts, you know what I mean. For those who haven't, the Scout
Law is as follows:
A Scout is
The meaning of most of these terms is obvious. However, the words
"Obedient" and "Reverent" deserve some special attention.
Remember that the Scout Law was written for boys--who are yet on their
way to becoming adult men--to follow, and that the Boy Scouts of
America traditionally was a Protestant Christian organization.
However, with some tweaks, those two words still apply today.
- Clean, and
I take "obedient" to mean "obedient to what you know is the right thing
to do." We all know the right thing to do. It's the
decision to do it or not that makes the difference. Martin Luther
King, Jr. was "obedient" in the sense that he knew that Jim Crow was
wrong, and his civil disobedience was therefore the most "obedient"
thing he could've done. Mahatma Gandhi, who of course came before
MLK Jr. and greatly inspired the latter, was the same way. Both
men got arrested--willingly--for doing the right thing, and in so
doing, they ended up changing the world.
As for "reverent", I take that to mean "reverent towards those who are
doing something to improve our society." Examples of deserving
recipients would be (again) Martin Luther King, Jr. or Mahatma
Gandhi. World War I and II veterans certainly qualify. To
me, Richard M. Stallman, a stalwart fighter for civil freedoms in the
digital arena, numbers among those deserving reverence. Most
elders, as they know far more than I do, qualify.
Reverence is not worship. Rather, reverence here means profound
These--the qualities of a Boy Scout--are the qualities that define a
"good man." When I refer to "men" from this point forward, this
is the kind of man that I mean--a Good Man--the kind you'd likely want as a husband.
Does that include the "playboy"?
Naturally, there will be those who wonder if a "playboy" could ever be considered a Good Man.
Surprise! The answer is yes. As with "playgirls", it
depends on the individual. You'd be amazed at the number of
playboys who do follow the Scout Law. I understand your
amazement. Followers of the Scout Law don't generally make "sex
scandal" headlines and thus aren't reported on as often as they should
Just as with any other kind of person, there are honest, real playboys
(and playgirls), and there are also lying jerks. You've heard
about the lying jerk enough times on television, from your friends,
and/or on the radio, and you've read about it in magazines and Internet articles. Jerks
are easy to spot; they don't follow the Scout Law. By contrast,
the honest playboy is just that. If you ask him if he's a
playboy, he will answer yes. Hugh Hefner is perhaps the canonical
example. The honest playboy will tell you if he's "playing the
field" and simply looking for a good time at this point in his
life. Then, should you choose romance with this man, you know the
situation up front because he's told you. If that's not your
thing, then I'd suggest becoming friends with this person. It's
quite beneficial to have a male friend to discuss man/woman issues
with, especially when he's already demonstrated honesty with you.
He'll often pick up things that you'll miss. There was a man in his
80's, whom I've known since I was seven years old and left us just a few years ago, who fit this
But what about "husband material?" I've met quite a few honest
playboys that, when they meet the right one, become among the most
loyal people you'll ever meet. The key is, "when they meet the
right one." Larry
Flynt is an example of this type. Despite the content of his
famous magazine, and his own self-description as a "scumbag", every
account of him I've ever read or seen indicates that his relationship
with his wife was most loyal, and that he loved her deeply.
Just what do Good Men want?
Oh, the volumes of silliness that have been written on this
subject! The vast majority of these are either flat-out wrong or
severely distorting the truth. I've seen beauties such as the
This is hogwash.
- "Guys need to chase, it's their 'hunter' instinct."
- "Guys only want a woman that plays 'hard-to-get.'"
- "Boys don't make passes at girls who wear glasses."
- "Blondes have more fun!"
- "Guys are just obsessed with big boobs."
- "One in five men will rape someone."
- "Early on in a relationship, the man is the adversary (if
he's someone you really like)."
- "Only desperate and/or needy women make the first move."
- "A REAL man will always make the first move if he really likes you!"
All of these falsehoods assume that men are just animalistic creatures
that merely see a stimulus and, like a flatworm, react in some
repeatable, predictable instinctive way. Rest assured that such
is not the case for men any more than it is for women! Men are
actually generally quite smart, observant beings who perceive a lot
more than they let you know that they do. I have frequently had
this effect on women; at times I'll point something out, and they'll be
startled and amazed that not only did I see just about everything that
they saw, but I even saw some other things that they completely
missed! Sometimes the opposite is true as well. I expect
that; I know that women are intelligent. What amazes most women
that I've encountered is their discovery that I'm pretty smart, too.
Being smart individuals, we most often have a pretty good idea of what
we want. Since so many of you think that we're focused primary on
the physical aspects, let's get that out of the way now. Yes,
good looks are part of that, no question. That doesn't
necessarily mean blonde hair, blue eyes, large breasts, or Caucasian;
get that out of your mind. Rather, it means keeping yourself in
good physical condition and making the most of what you have--without
plastic surgery. If you're overweight, get on a workout program,
start eating right, and drop those pounds! If you're anorexic,
start eating--NOW. We like healthy-looking women.
But what we want--above anything else--is this:
Someone who practices the Golden Rule.
Yep, it's that simple. I've not met a heterosexual Good Man who
doesn't want a "Good Woman," i. e. a woman who practices the Golden Rule. For those of
you who aren't familiar with this Rule, I'm not referring to the one
that says, "he who has the Gold makes the Rules." I mean nothing
of the sort. Rather, the Golden Rule--the real
Golden Rule--is present in most religions of the world. Jesus Christ, a pillar of Christianity, put it the following way:
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
Yes, ladies, that is the secret. If you do this, any man--and
remember what kind I'm talking about here, the Good Man--will, at the barest minimum,
respect you. He may eventually come to like you. At best,
he'll want to be with you until death parts the two of you. It is
truly a rare occasion that such a man will choose not to let himself be
"seduced" by someone who practices the Golden Rule in every facet of
her life. By contrast, he will eventually leave the woman who
does not do so. I'd walk right off from Helen of Troy or even the legendary
Cleopatra--with either of them stark-naked--if I didn't like her
The Golden Rule is the basis for everything else that will follow here. It is the keystone to getting and keeping
a good man. You won't be able to make that happen without
it. Your cute body might get him to look at you...but
without that Golden Rule, you won't
have him for long if he's a real man. Remember, Good Men--real
men--follow the Scout Law. It won't take him long to figure out
whether you do, too...or not.
Two women, several years ago, wrote a book called The Rules.
It was a book that supposedly described how to get a man to fall in
love with you. They had several "rules" for women to
follow. Unfortunately, all of these "rules" took an adversarial
position against the man. Basically, you were to treat him as if
he just doesn't matter to you. You were to play mind games with
him. The book certainly did not advocate the use of the most
important Rule--the Golden Rule. Well, one of those authors is
now divorced, so you be your own judge. However, I can tell you what one
perceptive woman--my mother--thought of that book when I described it
to her. Upon reading some of these "rules" to her, she said,
"what, is it a joke? That sure won't work!" She's a
relationship counselor and has helped many people get together and stay
together. She and my stepfather (an eminent practicing
psychiatrist and Stanford University professor) have been happily
married for over 35 years. They are best friends. Why? She follows, and promotes the use of,
the Golden Rule.
The only "rule" that actually does work is the Golden Rule...at least with good men. Do you really want any other type?
How To Get Him
Now that we know the Big Secret--the Golden Rule, or the "do unto
others" rule--how do you practice it? Believe it or not, that's
actually the easy part. Just do exactly like it says! Treat
him just like you'd want to be treated yourself.
That one statement, by itself, could end this article.
However, I know that what you've probably read before in other places
directly contradicts the advice I'm giving you here. Maybe you're
wondering, is Cosmopolitan right, are my girlfriends in school/at the
office right, or is this guy whose article I'm reading right?
Which one is it?
Remember, Cosmopolitan exists to sell magazines. They're looking
for paying customers. They want to hype you up with titles like
"Sex Tips that will Blow His Mind!" right below or just above "How to
Tell if He's Really
Interested" and "Is He a Date Rapist--The Signs You Need to
Know!" so that you'll grab the magazine right out of its rack in
the store and take it home. The "girls in the office/at school"
are very likely reading the same tripe.
By contrast, I'm not selling a damned thing. And I don't really care if you think I'm right. I do
care, though, that you want to Get and Keep a Good Man. Remember,
that's the point of what you're reading here. To do that, you'll
need to un-learn some of the crap that you've probably been
taught. So, we're going to get to some specifics here, with the
goal of doing just that.
Step One, of course, is to actually get the man. You can't very
well keep him before you get him, obviously! Therefore, you've
got to somehow get his attention in a way that he'll remember.
You've got to use the Golden Rule on him.
Some examples might give you the idea.
Good Example #1
Some years ago, I met a woman who was several years my senior and
didn't have Halle Berry's physique. She went to go work out with
me, she and I hung out at times to have lunch, that sort of
thing. We were becoming friends. She was getting to know me
and--unbeknownst to me--deciding whether I was the kind of man that she
wanted--a follower of the Scout Law. She discovered that I was
indeed, and she became quite interested in me romantically. She
tried playing the coy game, i. e. trying to do stuff that would get me
to pursue her. It emphatically didn't work. This surprised
her greatly, as she thought that she was throwing herself at me!
I had no idea. It's not like I thought, "oh, she's interested in
me, I'll play hard to get." Nope, nothing of the sort.
Rather, it never--not even once--even crossed my mind that she would
ever have any sort of romantic interest in me. It simply never
occurred to me. Therefore, there was no way I could try playing "hard to get" even if I were the type that would play that stupid game.
Ladies, the game of playing hard to get went out a long time ago. It doesn't work like it used to.
Finally, one day, we're in my truck heading back from some store, I
forget which. I'm bringing her back to
her car, which is in a parking lot. Once in the parking lot, she
abruptly tells me to pull the truck over in a rather odd tone. I
ask her if she's OK, and she says, "just pull over!" I do so, and
she tells me that she has a confession to make. After a few
breaths, she, in a solemn tone that I'll never forget, says
"I've been interested in you since November...."
The day was Saturday, March 17, 2000. It was raining. It
was around 7:30pm. She said a little more,
describing her interest, sure as the Sun rises that I was going to turn
her down. In fact, the opposite happened; it actually got me
turned on--sexually! Yes, sexually! What happened was that
she did exactly what she would've expected a man to do in a similar
situation--what she wanted me to do and was hoping that I would
do. She followed the Golden Rule, and I perceived that. That's what got me turned on by her.
Ladies, the Golden Rule is an aphrodesiac for men. Use it. It works.
Good Example #2
One day when I was in college, I was going through the coursebook
checking out math classes (I was a Chemistry major). A female
student, one year my senior and an Army Reservist as I found out later,
struck up a conversation with me, asking what kinds of classes I was
looking for, how much more time before I finished the major, etc.
We talked for several minutes, going off on life in general, and then
she had to take off. I enjoyed the conversation and told her so,
as it seemed like she had as well. So, we exchanged phone
numbers, with the idea that we'd continue it at some point.
I thought, "OK, that was fun, she seemed reasonably cool, but being a woman, she'll never follow up," so I forgot about it.
To my surprise, three days later, she called me, and we talked for
maybe a couple of minutes. Wondering what in the hell would
possess a woman to actually take some initiative, after a few minutes,
I rather pointedly asked her, what, specifically, motivated her to pick
up the phone and call me. After a short pause, she answered,
"well...I was...pretty impressed with the person that I met." She
also pointed out that if she were to want a man to call her, she needed
to "be consistent" and be willing to do it, too, "...so I did."
Yep, it worked. Our first date followed in a week. It
wouldn't have taken that long if I hadn't been so loaded down with
organic chemistry homework. Had she understood herself, and life,
a bit better, we might still be together today.
Now, here are a couple of examples of what not to do.
Bad Example #1
evening, a friend of mine and I went into a bar. We both saw this
rather attractive-looking woman in a short brown dress sitting at the
bar with a drink. The dress was roughly standard mini-skirt
length, and the sleeves went down past her elbows. She had
shoulder-length auburn/brown hair, and I'd guess that she was about
five-foot-five or so. Both of us are quite tall; he's over six-one,
and I'm six-four. We both happen to like petite women, be they
short or tall. She looked good.
My friend went up to her and said hello. She ignored him.
He waited a few seconds, and then he said hello to her again. Not
only did she ignore him, but this time, she slightly turned away from
him. I got a good enough look at her from the front to see her
face. I remember seeing a bit of--if anything--a scowl come
across it. Naturally, my friend took this as not being interested
in talking with him. He thus walked away, and we found a table
and got some food.
Funny how the world really is a small place. A couple of months
later, I was with some folks at another function, and lo and behold,
that same woman was there! Turns out that she, my friend, and I
knew some of the same people. Eventually the conversation turned
to the "difficulties of the dating scene," and she reminded me of that
episode in the bar. She was still frustrated--and a bit upset--at
my friend for not continuing to pursue her, because she thought he was cute!
I about fell down in surprise. Her reason for acting the way she
did? "I was just playing a little hard-to-get." She went on
about how "males need to satisfy that 'hunter instinct', you know."
Her failure to exercise the Golden Rule--i. e. treat my friend as she
herself would want to be treated--resulted in her loss. My
friend, a handsome man of class (and former playboy, by the way), was off dating someone else by this
point. He's now married to someone who did follow the Golden
Rule, and they now have two children.
Bad Example #2
A buddy for whom I was doing some consulting work told me about this
one. He's happily married with a young son. A little
background about this guy: a few years before he met his wife, he was
dating a tall blue-eyed blonde who had a swimsuit model's body.
His pals kept telling him, "wow man, you're sure lucky! I wish
I were you!" Would you believe that he broke up with her?
The reason: she didn't follow the Golden Rule. She liked to
try playing mind games because she thought her attractive body would
let her get away with it. She found out otherwise and lost a
really good man in the process. He later met another woman, not
model-like but quite attractive (I've met her--she's a little
hottie). They married a few years later.
Well, this man told me about a young, very pretty, college girl who, by
all "conventional wisdom," should've easily been able to charm this guy
at her school on whom she had a very large crush. She was totally
smitten with him. She always made sure to sit next to him in
whatever classes they had together. She had asked my buddy, who
was in his late thirties at the time, what to do to get this college
guy's attention, for he had apparently not even noticed her. My
buddy's answer was, "well, why don't you say hello to him and start up
a conversation?" She rather embarrassedly said, "Oh, no, I
couldn't do that...!" He then asked her, "waitasec...you won't
even say hello to him?" She looked down and again said "no, no, I
could never do that."
He then told her, "well, that's one guy you won't be dating, then." And he proved to be right.
Now, in both of these examples, what do you think would've happened if
the woman had followed the Golden Rule? I can tell you for
certain in the first case, because I know the man involved, and I was
present for the encounter. He would've appreciated it, admired
it, and probably would've been dating her shortly thereafter. In
the second case, if this college girl really was as pretty as was
described to me, I wasn't there, but I suspect that she would easily
have charmed the socks off of the object of her crush.
So what should you do?
How do you actually go about Getting a Good Man? That's right, enough theory; how do you actually do it? Just as importantly, what don't you do?
Here are some things that I've seen work on others, and that have worked on me:
These are all the sorts of things that you would want him to do for
you, right? Well, then apply the Golden Rule and treat him like
you would want to be treated. Do those things for him. And
do them with no expectation that he'll do them back. If he's a
Good Man--the kind I assume here that you want--then don't worry about that; he'll
eventually do it. He'll have to; the Scout Law, which he follows,
since he's a Good Man, compels him to. And when I say that, I
don't mean "oh, he's just doing it to be polite." No, no, far
from that! I'm referring to something much more profound
- Go up to him and start a conversation. Anything except
feminism--which is like toxic waste to Good Men--is fair game.
Yes, even the weather, if that'll get you started.
- Ask him for help with something--math
homework, chemistry homework, reaching something in a high place--whatever. You can then start a
conversation with him.
- Invite him out for coffee or lunch. Yes, be willing to pick
up the tab. We men have a very sensitive "gold-digger" radar, for
historical reasons. If he's a Good Man, he'll make a conscious
effort not to break your bank, so don't worry about that.
- Ask him out on an official date. He totally will not be
expecting this from a woman. That always impresses a Good
Man. Again, be willing to pick up the tab. Yes, that small
token does matter.
- Flowers work. Yes, on guys. But with us, a single
bloom will do very well, and if you hand-picked it fresh, that's even
better than store-bought. A Dixie cup makes a fine vase in a
man's eyes; it shows practicality. Present this bloom to him
face-to-face, look him straight in the eye, and tell him--as succinctly
and direct-to-the-point as possible--why you did it. Give him a
quick kiss on the cheek if you're close enough to his height to do it
easily; if not, then take his hand and give it a quick squeeze, then
let go. This is a guaranteed attention-getter. It is also a powerful aphrodesiac.
- What about the online dating scene? I'm talking now about sites
like "Match.com", "EHarmony.com", and so on. What should you do there?
Simple, it's the same thing as when you're not online. If there's a man who
looks interesting to you, then do what you'd want him to do for you; go ahead and make contact
with him. And I don't mean just clicking the "I'm interested" button or
the "wink" button; any wimp can do that, and most do. You want him to notice
you and respect you? Send him a real message, something showing that you
actually read up on him. Ask him about an interest of his. Invite him
out for coffee, as above; remember, coffee's low-pressure.
What you are doing when you apply the Golden Rule to him
like this is commanding his respect. No real man can resist that;
it's our currency, just like money is currency to a financier. If
he respects you, then liking you becomes very easy for him to do; just
keep applying that Golden Rule on him. And if he likes you, based
on his respect for you...well, you can take it from there.
And what should you not do?
One thing that you should emphatically not do is start talking to him about anything smacking of feminism or any other anti-man subject. Don't do it.
Good Men hear enough of that at work, in the news, at school, sometimes
even at home from our sisters or mothers. Good Men will drop you
like burning metal if you do this and will do whatever they can
to--preferably tactfully--get away from you. If you persist, then
they may well drop tact altogether and become quite direct.
Either way, they will get themselves away from you.
Here's an example of this, from my own life. Several years
a previous job, there was a woman in another department that I found
rather attractive...right up until she went off on some feminist
diatribe about the executive "glass ceiling." What prompted her
to do this, I do not know, since I was there to help her with a
computer problem and hadn't myself broached any employment issues of
any sort. It came totally out of left field. She was
surprised when I actually protested, and with her boss (also female)
standing right there. I made quite clear that I found her behaviour
unprofessional and unacceptable.
The charge of "sexism" against any man, even
implied or merely by association, has near-deadly force in today's
and I was the first man she'd ever met who had the guts to
protest. I doubt that she would've leveled that angry tone at
another woman. Most men will just keep quiet, to protect their
jobs. Later that day, she did come up to me and apologize, but
the damage was done. While I of course forgave the incident, I
a good distance from her and her boss from that point on.
Think about it. Would you want some man coming up to you going
off on some diatribe about "women gold diggers?" Somehow, I think that
would turn you off. It shouldn't surprise you to learn that we're
no different that way.
"Hold on! How come I have to do all this work? Isn't that his job?"
BINGO! That's why we have so many single women going home to empty
domiciles every night...because He's Got to Do That Hard Work, not you.
That is the man's job, after all!
BEEEEEP! Wrong answer.
Keep up that attitude, and you have a very high chance of remaining
alone. If that's indeed what you want, continue along with that way of
thinking, and, sooner or later, you are very likely to get your wish.
Of course, you should then ask yourself why you spent all this time
reading this article to this point. You could've done a lot of other
things with that time other than read words with which you might not
agree from some guy whom you've never met. Why'd you read them?
Really, ask yourself that, right now, and be honest with yourself when
you answer. I don't care if you're honest to me; given the size of
this planet, it's unlikely we'll ever meet. But at least be honest to you. Put this article down for a bit if you need to if it'll help you do that.
Taking such a hostile attitude is definitely not applying the Golden
Rule. Not even close! Remember, whatever you do, ask yourself if
that's what you would want him to do to or for you.
I know why so many of you are so reluctant to go after him
directly. Nearly every discussion aimed at women for how to get
men comes from the perspective of somehow getting him to come after you. In other words, playing mind games on him. The reason? Let's cut to the chase:
It's so that you, the woman, don't risk rejection.
Nobody likes rejection. Guess what? Neither do men!
That's why fewer are asking women out. Oh, sure, there are still
some who do it, but the frequency's going down with the changing gender
roles. I've heard many, many women complain about this: "guys
just aren't asking girls out as much anymore!" There's even an
old saying somewhat related to this, which goes, "boys don't make
passes at girls who wear glasses." Too many folks forget the
other half: "but do girls who wear glasses make passes at boys?"
What none of those other discussions address is how the man feels when he gets rejected by you. Very few of these "experts" seem to want to bother with that part. But you should.
Remember that part before about your application of the Golden Rule
"commanding his respect?" That's why it works. Even if he
does say no, he very likely has already experienced rejection from the
opposite sex and knows how good it doesn't feel. Therefore, if
he's going to say no, he's likely to do whatever he can to do it as
tactfully and gently as he possibly can. Who knows--he might
already be in a relationship, he might have just gotten out of a bad
relationship, he might be gay, he might be so deep into the schoolbooks
that he barely has time to even hit the restroom (science/engineering
majors are famous for this)...or you might simply not be his
type. That last one is the scary one, because it's
personal. But remember also that you ladies have historically had
little trouble telling a man that he's just not your type, and the Good
Man knows that history very well. You expect him to face that
risk; therefore, you must be equally willing yourself. And
through being willing to take that risk, you gain his respect.
A friend of mine (who, by the way, does wear glasses) once told me
about something her mother taught her: "if you don't ask, you
don't get." What my friend eventually discovered is that not only
does this apply to dating, it doesn't apply to just men. It also
applies to women. If you don't ask him, you may well not get
him. Yes, that means you, ladies, need to stick your necks out,
too. You would want him to do so for you, right? Then apply
that Golden Rule and confront him directly...just like you'd want him
to do for you. That's what this is all about!
So, now you have some ideas of how to get him, and how not to get
him. Just "do unto others." That's all you've got to
do. Any time you're about to do something, consider whether or
not you would want it done to--or for--you.
After You Get Him
OK, you've gotten him. You're going out on dates, getting to know
each other, and having a pretty good time. You at times
wonder...he's pretty good...but will he "be tempted?" After all,
aren't guys that way? They see a cute girl with a hot body and
want to take a ride, right? Aren't they the ones who read girlie
magazines, both paper and on the Internet? Aren't they the ones
who are the cheaters?
"Gosh, I've heard so much from so many
sources...how do I really know
that he'll be loyal to me?"
This is quite possibly the biggest misunderstanding about men
throughout history. Rather few women--throughout the world, it
seems--have figured out the Big Secret to getting your Good Man to not
only remain with you, but to continue to honor you, respect you, and
ultimately love you very deeply, over time. I'm not talking about
finding a way to "trap him." You know what I mean--things like
pregnancy, costly divorce, child support, "getting half," all the stuff
that we all have heard about all our lives. No, I don't mean
that. If you take that approach, that's an adversarial attitude
that will ultimately doom your relationship to failure. It may be
quick, it might take a while, but your relationship, I guarantee you,
I have a much better way.
There's an old saying that goes, "if you love something, you must let
it go." Yep, it's true of your mate as well. I would never
dream of trying to somehow "trap" the woman in my life. If she no
longer wants to be a part of my life, then she shouldn't be. She
should be free to leave at any point that she wishes. Of course,
I will do what I can, within the bounds of honor, to give her good
reason to remain in my life if I want her to remain with me. How
do I do that? By adding to her life.
I find ways to make her life better; I give her positive
reinforcement. I apply the Golden Rule. Sometimes that
means we might go to the beach and play in the sand and ocean.
Sometimes that means I might take her out to a nice dinner.
Sometimes it means I need to tell her what she needs to hear instead of
what she wants to hear. But most importantly of all, it means
that I am her friend--first and foremost--for only with a basis in a
solid friendship can a romance be expected to last.
You have friends, right? You wouldn't dream of betraying them in
any way, right? Of course not! Friends don't do that, and
if someone does that to you, then that person is by definition not your
Hmm..."by definition not your friend...." Let's explore, then, the definition of the word "friend."
The "F" word is actually a very noble thing!
Ladies, and especially those of you from the United States, I have
discovered a major perversion in your minds of what the word "friend"
means. That word is used as your polite way of saying either you
don't have a romantic interest in a man, or--at least, in your
minds--for him to say that he doesn't have a romantic interest in
you. "Let's just be friends," too many people say. It
sounds so innocuous...a way to bow out gracefully and say, "no, thanks,
goodbye" with a (hopefully) lessened risk of appearing rude. And
gentlemen, those of you who
use that word in this context, you're not getting off scot-free on
this, either. Ohhhh, no. I know why you do it; usually,
girls used it on you in school or elsewhere. That's still no excuse; cut it out!
News flash: that's not what the word "friend" means. Rather, it means something very old and very noble.
I have a copy of Merriam-Webster's Third New International Dictionary
in front of me. There are seven definitions in this dictionary
for the word "friend". The one that applies to our discussion is
the first one, which reads as follows:
friend \'frend\ n: one that seeks
the society or welfare of another whom he holds in affection, respect,
or esteem or whose companionship and personality are pleasurable: an
Now, that seems sort of dry, I admit. Fortunately, I've had the
benefit of traveling and living internationally to see the
practice of that definition. Several of the cultures that I've
encountered in my travels, unlike that in the United States, are
thousands of years old. What I've invariably seen is that
friends--real friends--are practically like family. You do for
your friend like you'd do for a blood family member. Sometimes,
your friend is more "family" than a blood family member. I am
fortunate to have a few of those. My Dad has repeatedly told me
that, if you have one of those in your life, count yourself
lucky. He's right.
Friendship is a particularly profound expression of trust. In this sense, it can actually be said that friendship is
trust, on a deep level. Trust comes only when one person shows
another that he or she is worthy of that trust. How could you
ever trust someone who wouldn't treat you like he or she would also
want to be treated? I definitely couldn't!
Your "friend" is the one that you'd trust with your house keys, your
car keys, your children's lives--that's a friend. Your friend is
the one who will drive from, say, Washington DC to the middle of West
Virginia to come get you--in the middle of the night, if
necessary--after you've had a nasty car accident on a gravel mountain
road...and do it with no hestitation whatsoever. That friend's
first concern will be, "are you OK?" and not, "geez, I'm tired, why do
I have to do this?" You know deep down in you that you can count
on this person.
Your friend is the one who will give you an organ transplant if you
need it. My Dad, a master jazz and classical pianist, was friends
with Gene Harris, another master pianist. Mr. Harris, whom I've
met, was a very cool dude and possibly one of the bluesiest jazz
pianists in modern history. Unfortunately, his kidneys began to
fail him. My Dad was prepared to donate one of his own kidneys to
Mr. Harris so that the latter might live, but the blood types were too
far off. Sadly, Mr. Harris left us in 1999. But had the
blood types been close enough, Mr. Harris might well be alive today,
because he'd be carrying a piece of my Dad in him. That is a friend.
I use that word very sparingly, and when I do, I use it in that
context. There are very few people in this world whom I call
Without the kind of trust inherent in friendship, you cannot have love,
the requirement for lasting romance. And love--another word that
gets bandied about far too often and far too loosely--also has a very
specific, serious meaning. Let's talk about that.
What about love? Just what is it?
Ah, love...isn't that what all of us want--to be loved, and to love in
return? Why is it so hard to find? As Donny Hathaway and
Roberta Flack so aptly said in the 1972 hit: "where is the love?"
To answer those questions, we must discuss what love is.
Let's start with what love is not. Love is not infatuation, it's
not a crush, it's not lust, desire, or "just a word" to be
misused. So, if it's not these things, then, just what is
it? Let's again consult Merriam-Webster.
love (n) 1a: the attraction, desire, or
affection felt for a person who arouses delight or admiration or
elicits tenderness, sympathetic interest, or benevolence: devoted
affection. 2a: warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion.
It has several other definitions, of course, some of which pertain to
sexual desire, others that pertain to being enchanted with or liking
something a lot (e. g. "I love chocolate"), and even one referring to a
tennis score. With the exception of the one pertaining to tennis,
it means a feeling of attraction so strong to someone or something that
it is very difficult--impossible for some people--to get rid of or
overcome that feeling.
Since three years old, I've thought about the word "love", and even
at that age, I'd figured out that it was a pretty serious
question. Just what does love really mean? And what does that meaning imply for people who claim to love each other?
It was at least in my early twenties--maybe sooner--that I figured out
what love means to me, and it has not changed since: Love is the willingness to give your life so that the one that you claim that you love might live.
Anything less than that is not love. It might be lust, it might
be like, it could be friendship, and it could even be any combination
of those things in varying quantities, none of which are bad
things--but it's not love. If I say to someone, "I love you,"
then I will have just told that person that I am willing to die
if I have to, in order to preserve that other person's life.
There's no getting better than that. As you might imagine, I use
that word even more sparingly than I do the word "friend".
Many parents know what I'm talking about. If it came to the
choice of their lives or those of their children, they would gladly
give their own lives if it meant saving their kids. We're wired
that way--preserve our young at any cost.
If that's what love is, and I believe that it is, then it literally is
a matter of life and death. Don't you want to feel that for a
Good Man and have him feel that for you as well? Don't you want
someone who would hack his way through a forest of huge, waist-thick
vines full of thorns and face that dragon so that the two of you might
live happily ever after? That's what Prince Phillip did for
Sleeping Beauty. Pretty though Princess Aurora was, he
nonetheless felt a lot more than mere desire for her; he loved
her. He put his life on the line to save her.
To get someone to be willing to make that kind of commitment to you
requires nothing short of the constant application of the Golden
Rule. That's because love, by its very nature, is the
ultimate--the most deadly serious--expression of friendship, which
we've already discussed above. If you want love, that's the
price. While love is given freely, it emphatically does not come
"for free." It must be worked for, earned every day--and it must
be maintained--or it shrivels up and dies of starvation and
neglect. I've watched love die like that. It's actually
painful to watch. You don't want that fate. The Golden Rule
is your most powerful ally against that fate...and a most powerful ally
Your cute little body might get him to notice you. But it's your
friendship with him, based on the Golden Rule, that will get him to
love you. Read the definition of the word again. When
you've done that, read it one more time. The one who loves you is
by definition your best friend.
You may slip occasionally. You might not always apply the Golden
Rule 24 hours a day, seven days a week. We're human; nobody is
perfect. You might be under a whole lot of stress, or you might
be in major pain, or very tired, or any other thing could be happening
to you. That's when you've got to work the hardest to apply it,
and you should do that work. But sure, you might slip. It
Nearly all of the world's religions speak of the inability of humans to
achieve perfection. The Abrahamic religions (Judaism, Islam,
Christianity, Baha'i), for example, say that "only God is
perfect." You're going to stumble. It's part of life.
What the religions of the world also say, right along with that, is
that you should nonetheless strive for that perfection. You
should actively work toward that goal. That's how we get a better
The same is true of applying the Golden Rule. That Good Man
that's now in your life knows this. He will not "hate you" or any
other such silliness for the occasional slip, as long as he sees that
you're actively working toward the constant application of the Rule
throughout your relationship. He will love you for it. And
if you make a mistake, own up to it and apologize. You don't need
to gush. All you've got to do is make things right and work on
doing better next time. Like with anything else, you get better
at applying the Golden Rule through practice, so you might as well
start it from the beginning. How about right now, from this
moment on in your life?
So how do you know when love is happening?
If you're not the best of friends, you don't have love. That
friendship has to be there first. I'm certainly not going to give
my life for someone who's any less than my best friend. Would
you? Remember that love is the ultimate expression of friendship. You can't have a better friend than the one who loves you.
Now, what's the chain of events for a Good Man to come to love
you? Of course, that varies, depending on the individual
man. A few men have had idyllic lives, and others less so.
The vast majority of us fall into the latter category, and thus,
probably like you, we too have learned a healthy amount of caution.
Infatuation can happen quickly, especially if he finds you physically
attractive. It's much like how teenage girls find the members of
"boy bands" attractive, like the Beatles, the Monkees, n'Sync, and
others. I've actually been to an n'Sync concert. Girls go
to these concerts and scream in total infatuation, secretly hoping that
some day, a boy like that might be interested in them. In a
similar fashion, a woman who looks good is going to get looked
at. Like many young boys, I too had a crush on Cheryl Tiegs in my
boyhood years. I actually met her for just an instant at the
Kennedy Center (I doubt she remembers it). She was truly
stunning, and her pictures--even the famous "see-through fishnet"
one--didn't do her justice. The same was true of Catherine Bach,
of Dukes of Hazzard fame (who says Mexican-American women aren't
hot? Puh-leeze!). Young boys who watch the "Dukes" re-runs
today have the same infatuation for her now that I did then.
But that's infatuation--a crush. There's nothing wrong with that,
and under the right conditions, it can eventually lead to love.
And that's what this entire article is all about: getting to the point
of love. Why? Because that's how you keep the Good Man! You love each other.
Love is happening when both of you know that each of you can count on the other for anything. And I mean anything.
You tell each other your deepest, darkest secrets--the kind of stuff
that girls used to write in their diaries. If, just as one
example, you have some really kinky sexual fantasy that you want to
explore with him (e. g. you want to be tied up, spanked like a little
girl, and tickle tortured until you go insane, followed by God knows
what), and you feel comfortable telling him that and asking him for
that, then that's a good indicator. It takes a lot of trust to
reveal something like that and even more to go through with it.
Likewise, if he tells you some deep, dark secret of his--say, he's
always wanted to tie you up, spank you, tickle you, etc., but was
always afraid that you'd freak out and call the cops if he told you
that, then that's a good indicator that he has that kind of trust for
you as well.
Here's another one. Say you're really upset with him, for
whatever reason. There's the impulse to either stay quiet, for
fear of getting ridiculed or laughed at, and there's also the impulse
to rush right up to him and tear right into him. Instead, you
remember that, as your best friend, he by definition has your best
interests at heart. So, you go up to him, inform him that there's
something that's really bothering you, and carry on a rational
discussion about it with him. Why? Because you trust him to
help you deal with this. If he loves you, he will do whatever he
can within the bounds of honor for the two of you to get past
this. If he was in the wrong, he'll apologize and work not to do
that again. If you made an incorrect assumption, then you will
apologize to him and remember not to make such assumptions again.
Either way, as long as the two of you continue to follow the Golden
Rule and the Scout Law, the end result is the same.
There are many other examples, of course. The bottom line is that you two trust each other implicitly and totally...with anything.
Does the Golden Rule Apply to Him, Too?
You might naturally be wondering, wait a minute, doesn't the rule about
applying the Golden Rule apply to him, too? After all, I've done
a lot of talking about the need for you to do it. While it's been
for a reason, the question is still valid. Here's the answer:
You bet it does! Absolutely! No question about it.
What's good for the goose is indeed good for the gander. If he's
not applying the Golden Rule, then he's no longer following the Scout
Law. The reason for this is that the Scout Law is simply one
manifestation of the Golden Rule; the former comes from the
latter. It means that there's an issue that needs to be dealt
with. Don't waste time on this! The sooner you tackle it,
the better. Don't give this man that you like the chance to begin
the slippery slope into a less honorable state. Neither of you
Insist on the Golden Rule at the very beginning, but do it right
Let's suppose you just started dating, and you're still working on
discovering if he's a Good Man, i. e. a follower of the Scout
Law. Let's say that you asked him out, and you took him to lunch
or dinner or whatever. Let's further say that he hasn't called
you afterward. There are several reasons why any man might not do
If you like him, and you're wondering why he's not calling you, it'd be
a good idea to find out why. Don't get upset with him, though;
have you always called the man back to thank him after he's taken you
out on a date? You'd likely figure that he'd just call you and
ask you out on another date if he were interested in you, right?
Well, he deserves the same consideration that you would want.
Remember, "do unto others." Would you expect him to get upset
with you because you didn't call him?
- He thinks it might be just a fluke, ships passing in the night, you didn't really want anything more.
- He might not actually like you all that well.
- He's totally blown away by you and is scared to death.
- He has a huge crush on you and is himself afraid of getting rejected.
- He's been falsely accused of sexual harassment or even rape before and is now gun-shy.
- He went through a particularly nasty divorce and came out much worse for the wear, and thus now very cautious.
- He's just tired of bearing the burden of "the man's supposed to do the heavy lifting."
- He thinks it might've been just a couple of colleagues getting together "over lunch".
There is a solution. If I were you, my next move wouldn't be asking him out for lunch or dinner again just yet...but I would
ask him out for coffee at the local Starbucks or whatever.
Meeting for coffee doesn't carry the same weight as a "lunch date" and
definitely not like a "dinner date"; meeting at the local coffee shop
is pretty innocuous. Then you can ask him, in a polite,
considerate, but nonetheless straight-forward manner, if there's a
reason that he didn't call you (there is, of course), and if so, what
that reason might be. This way, you're not coming at him with an
accusatory posture, which would immediately cause him to shut you
out. Rather, you're simply asking a question. That's much
more likely to get an honest response.
If he indicates that he just doesn't see you as his type, then at least
you know. You're now ready to move on to the next man. Even
if that's the case, though, you've now got nothing to lose, so you
might as well pump him for some information. After all, you two
have got coffee sitting there! Ask him if there was something
that you could have done differently that might've improved the
situation, and actually listen to his answer. If the answer is
no, you did things fine, then you're simply not what that particular
man is looking for. It happens. In that case, thank him for
the date, enjoy finishing your coffee, wish him well, and then move
on. You still might become friends later, for all you know; that
actually has happened several times.
By contrast, if he does indicate an interest in you, but he has a
concern, then there's hope. It's time to remind him that you need
him to apply the Golden Rule to you, too. Yes, ladies, that is
fair game, and if you do it right, you will rise in his esteem.
How do you do it right? You speak to him rationally. Do not
get snitty with him, and certainly don't bark or yell at him!
This is not a time to chastize anybody; he is not your son. Keep
a cool head, and remember that your goal is to address his concerns and indicate that you need for him to reciprocate the Golden Rule. Stay rational! Nobody respects a lunatic.
Let's deal with the aforementioned reasons of why he might not have
jumped right up to call you after your date. We'll take them one
Reason #1: He thinks it might be just a fluke, ships passing in the night, you didn't really want anything more.
You'd be surprised how often this happens. Ever been to a social
function in which folks are doing the minute-and-a-half-long "hi, how
ya doing, what do you do, where are you from" conversation? He
might view it as merely an extension of that without any further
expectations, and that does happen a lot. This is an easy one to
deal with. Just tell him that you do indeed find him interesting,
and that you'd like to get to know him better. If you find him
attractive, then tell him yeah, you do think he's attractive. Don't gush!
One short sentence that's to the point is much more effective than a
paragraph. You can even smile and ask him, "can you fault my
taste?" He'll appreciate that. Keep talking, and you'll
probably have your next date set up in pretty short order.
Reason #2: He might not actually like you all that well.
This one's the tougher one, because it's personal. We've already
dealt with it in a previous paragraph. Remember, at least you'll
Reason #3: He's totally blown away by you and is scared to death.
Maybe he's not sure he can keep up with you. Maybe you're one of
those quick-witted ones who always has something clever on the tip of
your tongue. It's OK, just slow it down a bit. Many
computer and electronics geeks fall into this category. First
off, a girl has actually asked one of their number out on a date.
Right away, that's an unusual and historic event, in their minds.
Second, in many cases, they're so focused on discovering all the neat
things that they can do with electronics and computers that they might
not have a bunch of witty sayings on the tips of their own tongues
(yet). The guy may feel awkward around the opposite sex.
This, too, is very easy to fix. Time for you to take some
leadership here. By that, I mean you've got to let that man know
that you do like him and that you do find him interesting. You've
got to reassure him that you like him for who he is, but without
gushing. Appeal to his logic; this is completely irresistible for
this kind of man. Gently, but logically and rationally, inform
him that you'd really like it if he'd ask you on a date in return and
take you out. There's no way he can refute something so obviously
logical! Then, take his hand and kiss it. Give him your
phone number with your name written on it. Draw a heart on
it...in front of him. Then, give him a day to think about
it. He'll be eating out of your hand, and you will get that next date!
Reason #4: He has a huge crush on you and is himself afraid of getting rejected.
You already know how that feels. You just stuck your neck out and
asked him out on a date, remember? Since you know how that feels,
you know how tender feelings can be. Here's the fix: ask
him out again, and make it directly clear--with no room for
ambiguity--that you like him. But include a catch. State up
front that you're going to include a catch. Then, in a kind, but
serious, tone of voice, state the catch itself: "this is a
package deal; I'll stick my neck out again to show you that I really do
like you, but I need you to do likewise for me, too. After all,
fair is fair." Again, irrefutable logic. He cannot say
no. And, since he has a huge crush on you, he doesn't want to say
no anyway! Just remember to invite me to your wedding.
Reason #5: He's been falsely accused of sexual harassment or even rape before and is gun-shy.
This one's going to take some doing to overcome. Sadly, there are
those women out there who will file a false sexual harassment charge
or--even worse--a false rape charge against a man. You already
know that the consequences to a man so charged constitute Big, Hairy
Trouble. Consider the Duke University Lacrosse Team defendants of
2006-2007. Three young men were falsely accused of rape, and
their names were dragged through the mud. They were eventually
exonerated, and the prosecutor ultimately got disbarred for his
actions, but it cost those three families over a million US dollars of
legal fees. Imagine how they must feel after such an
experience. There are many similar examples.
How do you handle that? Well, it's a tough one, I'll admit.
You may well need to do all of the initiating for a while. Don't
worry so much about romance at first. You've got to show him that
you intend to become his friend...and then actually do it. Be his
friend in fact. Your behaviour must be beyond reproach; if he
thinks that you're at all sympathetic to false accusers, even a
little bit, then it's all over. He himself probably views actual
sexual harassment or rape incidents like a mouse views a herd of cats,
i. e. totally unacceptable! Give actual
perpetrators to Bubba. Matter of fact, most men do take this
position. But he also likely views false accusers as equal fodder
for Bubba. So, become his friend and be one in deed. This
resistance can be overcome. And don't be concerned about others
"stealing" him from you. They'll have to get through his
resistance starting from Ground Zero. By becoming his friend,
you're already way ahead of them. And when he does at last trust
you, that's when you make the move for romance.
Reason #6: He went through a particularly nasty divorce and came out much worse for the wear, and thus now very cautious.
Oh, the stories throughout the years about divorce in the United
States! Men throughout the country could tell you hair-raising
stories about it. You've heard them--"I demand the house, the
car, the kids, child support, alimony, half or more of whatever he
has," and so on. He might get to see his own children once every
two weeks. He might be financially ruined by that divorce.
Don't assume he was at fault, either; you don't know that.
You handle this one the same way that you handle a man who's been
affected by Reason #5. With time, coupled with behaviour beyond
reproach, you become his friend. You'll discover on your own what
kind of a man he is and whether or not he follows the Scout Law.
You'd be surprised at the number of divorced men who do and have; it's
just not reported on in the media.
Reason #7: He's just tired of bearing the burden of "the man's supposed to do the heavy lifting."
This is one that I myself can relate to, and I've heard a bunch of my
male associates express it, too, so it's not something that you can
just dismiss...if you want him. If the man indicates this to you,
then he really is tired. It is a burden. The way to deal
with this is to acknowledge it. Don't act like you don't know
that it exists, and don't try that "REAL men always go after the woman!" nonsense, either;
virtually every real man sees right through that. What
he's really saying is that he wants to see some fairness. Employ
the same strategy as in Reason #4, i. e. use logic on him. Show
him that you're willing to shoulder your fair share of the "dating
burden", too, through deed. If you do that, he's much more likely
to view you as an "honorable woman" and will gladly respond in
kind. If he doesn't after a few dates, then gently, but firmly,
insist to him that he do so, just like in Reason #4. Fair is fair.
Reason #8: He thinks it might've been just a couple of colleagues getting together "over lunch".
This most commonly happens with people in either the same or similar
professions, or those who work together in the same company. With
the specter of conflict-of-interest or sexual-harassment allegations
always right around the corner, many men will indeed dismiss a possible
romance if they perceive any hint of business involved. This is
according to the old axiom, "never mix business with pleasure."
If this man is someone that you work with, he may decide no way, in
which case, don't push it. Let him go. Aren't you glad now
that you're at the coffee shop instead of a fancy dinner?
On the other hand, if the two of you are merely in the same profession
and don't actually work together, then he might simply think that you
wanted to get to know another colleague in the profession. This
happens all the time; it's called professional social networking.
Since, in this case, your intentions are something more, you've got to
communicate that to him. A man affected by Reason #8 will not
generally assume that you have a more personal interest in him.
Batting your eyes at him, playing with your hair, etc. isn't going to do it here.
You've got to tell him. Follow it up with, perhaps, that
hand-picked flower that I mentioned before. Make it clear to him
what your intentions are; do not leave room for ambiguity here.
And for those in an existing relationship?
Let's now say that you're in some sort of relationship. You're
either becoming friends or maybe have even reached the stage of
love. In that case, you might be tempted to lash out at him,
because you just know for sure that he's doing something bad on
purpose. Hold off before you do that. Remember, this is a
Good Man we're talking about
here. If he's been following the Scout Law to this point, then
likely to continue. You've got to remember that, like you, he's
perfect, either. He's going to occasionally slip, too.
If you just know for sure that he's doing something bad on purpose, and
you believe that you love each other, then stop and check your
assumptions right then and there. The man who loves you naturally
has your best interests in mind. Therefore, it follows that he's
very unlikely to be doing something bad on purpose. Even if you
haven't yet hit the stage of love, but have become friends, he still
has your best interests at heart. Remember what a friend is.
Talk to him. Find out what's going on. Maybe he's under a
bunch of stress. Maybe he hasn't eaten (I've been guilty of
that). Maybe he's feeling really down about something.
Since you are at a minimum becoming friends, you might already know
what's bothering him. Remind him that you're there for him.
After he's settled down, and he will, then gently remind him that you
need some Golden Rule affection, too, if you bore the brunt of his
negative feelings. Since, as a Good Man, he generally does follow the Scout Law,
he will likely feel so badly about any slight toward you by him that he
will not just apologize, but he will make the most strenuous efforts to
monitor himself better in the future. That's his way of making
things right. You may even get a dinner date out of it as a
thank-you for your understanding.
There's a lot of information in here, but it's based on one very simple
premise: the Golden Rule. Do unto others as you would have
done unto yourself. What you've read here is in conflict with a
lot of stuff out there. I know, because I've read it, too.
The practice of the Golden Rule and the Scout Law is in short supply in
the United States in recent times. I know, because I see that,
There was a show on Home Box Office called "Sex and the City." It
was a show about four white female friends in New York City, who hung
out together, talked about their relationships, cried on each others'
shoulders--everything that tight girlfriends do. So many women
have said, "I can relate to that!" when they would see whatever
situation that one or more of the women on the show were in. I've
watched several episodes of the show. Every one of them had "man
problems," not necessarily because the men themselves were problematic,
but because the women weren't honest with them! They tried to
play the coy, somewhat-hard-to-get game. The character who got the most
sex was a rather promiscuous blonde, played by the actress Kim Cattrall, and the character
got it because she made very clear that lots of sex was what she wanted
at that point in time. The other three were considerably
harder-up, and all four of them went through all sorts of emotional drama and
roller-coaster action. Nearly all of it was unnecessary...if
they'd just followed the Golden Rule.
I believe that the show was so successful because, though itself
fictional, it correctly related not only how American women often
relate to each other, but also how they relate to men. That's why
so many women watched it; they were watching themselves! The
show, due to Hollywood's lust for happy endings, did end up pairing off
each of the four female characters. But that's a Hollywood
ending. As too many of you know, it's not real life.
You can, though, have real love from a real Good Man. The price
is the application of the Golden Rule. You yourself must follow
the Scout Law, regardless if it was originally written for the Boy
Scouts. Good rules to live by are good rules to live by, no
matter what your sex is.
And now, you have a choice to make. You might talk with your
friends. Perhaps you'll talk with your parents or other
relatives. Maybe even some of your closer male associates.
But in the end, like the Oracle said, make up your own damn mind.
Copyright (C) 2007, 2015 Terrell Prude', Jr.
Verbatim copying and distribution of this entire article is permitted
in any medium without royalty provided this notice is preserved.
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